Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize