i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
