Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
