Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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