So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
