walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize