I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
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