I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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