I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
