Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
