How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
