i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
