Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
