oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
it was like eating out sand paper
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
