Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Randomize
