What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
