woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
