So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
