Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
