i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Drake has all the answers
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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