remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
