dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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