I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
