dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
