Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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