are you still at the devil's house?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
