The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
