i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
