Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
