he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
