I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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