shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
