i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
