It was confusing and full of hummus
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
