I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
