If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
