Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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