I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
