Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you guys were way drunker than both of me
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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