I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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