Four minutes until I can fart!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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