Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
