I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
wakey wakey hands off snakey
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
