Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you inspire me to be a worse person
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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