I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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