I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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