I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
