So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
