Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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