so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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