Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Randomize