i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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