someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
