This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
