we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
