peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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