please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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