**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
