saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
