I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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