Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
